Mercy in the Madness

How do we teach our kids to be emotionally resilient?

Sometimes I worry about my children.  They are tenderhearted, and they seem to feel everything exponentially, whether that is the tags on their clothing, the texture of their food, or the unkind words of a classmate or sibling. They criticize themselves frequently. They think a lot about how others perceive them.  And they have some troubling genetic predispositions coming from both sides of the family, mental health wise.  So how can we raise them to be emotionally and mentally resilient?

I certainly don’t have all the answers to that question, but I have done enough research and talked to enough parents to have some ideas that I believe to be helpful.  In this post and one to follow, I’ll share a few ideas, in no particular order.

Limit Technology

The first tip I have, is to limit their use of technology.  A sharp rise in mental health problems happened around the same time smart phones became widely available, and while I can’t say with any certainty there is causation, I can say that it’s glaringly obvious that the more we are connecting on our devices, the less we are connecting in real life.  And we humans need genuine, face to face connection. 

Additionally, notifications disrupt our sleep, and we all know that not getting enough sleep makes us grumpy.  (It’s also linked pretty clearly to suicide, so it’s a bit more serious than feeling out of sorts.) That blue light you’re looking at as you’re trying to fall asleep is most definitely telling your brain to wake up, so having the phone by our faces when we should be sleeping is not healthy for us, and it’s not healthy for our kids.

Finally, when kids are absorbed in social media they can start to base their self worth on likes and even if that wasn’t mentally unhealthy (which it is), it is a pretty unappealing way to measure your value. It is especially true that if we don’t make an effort to help them recognize their value and the source of their value, it is a fairly natural to measure it through the tiny, frequent hits of dopamine they receive each time they are notified of attention online.

I am just as guilty of giving my children unfettered access to the internet at times, especially during the pandemic, so there’s no judgement here, but the APA recommends waiting till 16 to give your kid a smart phone. Other ideas to limit use include making sure all devices are in a common charging station (yes, parents – yours too!) for the night at a certain time, having shared devices in common areas (no porn in the living room, kids) and using apps that will shut off use of social media or other sites after specific periods of time each day.

Encourage Face to Face Connection Instead

If we’re discouraging the over-use of technology, we should be encouraging connection IRL instead. (For the old people like myself, IRL means In Real Life.) That means making them actually talk to other kids, without their phones.  Putting them in settings where they can interact, and where it’s not common for everyone to be staring at their cell phone.  This used to be school, but not so much anymore, so tech-free school time that’s interactive is something for which we should be advocating. 

Other settings that include real life interaction include sports, theater and other extra curriculars; church and youth groups; family vacations/day trips/activities where no one gets to be online; and friend groups where you know that kids are not allowed to be on their devices all of the time. 

Cultivating “play date” friendships can be awkward, but it’s worth the awkwardness of getting a phone number at a park or skating rink or school function where you happen to see your kids interacting well with other kids and have the opportunity to cultivate a friendship. It’s also good modeling of how to put yourself out there. Remember, this suggestion is coming from one of the most socially awkward people you know – me – so if I can do it, you can too!

I have some more ideas to share in the coming weeks. Please don’t hesitate to share yours too!